Secret

Today I aim to speak the truth.
Today I want to use I, me, him, she, them, they, that.

I want to say it out aloud. I don’t mind what you think. It’s now all said and done. Can’t redo it. It’s said we learn from our mistakes and so did I. Not all of it was a mistake but its too much to bury and keep it to self.

It now feels like I have built things around on the basis of lies which have grown with time. Now I feel shaky. It feels its all going to crumble and fall. And when it does it will hit so hard that there is no way to get back to being myself.

I question myself In fact on who I really am? Why can’t I make up my mind in what I want to do and how I want things to be. I feel restrictive. I was often stopped from things I liked, from being myself. But over time, I began doing those things only to realize I wasn’t right. By now I believe I can never take proper decisions. I have lost faith in myself that I can ever think and be like other people.

False hopes and promises is what I hate. Don’t say something if you don’t mean it. But even I have said things and I shy away later. I am this curious little girl who wants to know and grasp whatever she can. Too afraid to ask and hence beats around the bush. Just when I get close, one realizes that I’m not there for them. In fact it’s my curiosity which has pulled me to them. No feelings. Those feelings are locked because I have been warned several times. It’s not good to stop one from being themselves. It drives me crazy. I take one step forward and expect the other to take the other step while hoping at the same time that he doesn’t. Yes, takes my curiosity to another level and a no, makes me feel like a useless piece lying Around. It makes me feel dejected.

Seeing couples publicly displaying their feelings always came as a disgust to me. Any form of love being showered seemed the most annoying thing on earth. Some were cute to an extent but mostly they drove me crazy. But it was actually never hating these things but just a way to stay away from all this and say to myself that this can’t happen. It was just me keeping myself from falling into this prey. Because this is how it was meant to be. This is what has been whispered into my ears all along. I don’t mind the fact I was restricted but then how long a person can hold onto it. I knew I could because I believed I was strong.

And then someone pulled me close to him. Pampered me to a great extent. Did things which seemed crazy but it was all out of love. I went with the flow. Accepted it for a while. Hurdles came and I felt the need to withdraw myself from whatever was going on. I asked myself what was I doing and what did I really want. Those empty walls just stared back at me. I went back to all of it. I liked the feeling of being loved. I wanted it to an extent. Not always and not too much. He wanted even more than what was going on. I would have given it all to him only if we were ensured for something for the future. Live in the present he would say. But how can one not think about the future. How can one shut themselves from ‘feeling’ anything one fine day. I stayed along not only because he wanted to but beside our arguments I still wanted someone by my side. Can’t we just have someone by our side? Someone who listens to you and makes you feel good. But he didn’t accept.

I distanced myself slowly. Pretending to be strong. Was accused on the way of things which weren’t entirely wrong but a talk would have made things clearer. Now that all is done, I knew it had helped him to move on. To accept with ease what came his way. Now well settled he finds it a sin to talk to me.

We knew this day would come. For now he has someone on his side hence he feels strong. And I realize I was just pretending all this while. Pretending to be happy. Pretending to be mature. Pretending to be strong.

I don’t ask for him to come back. I feel he would be happier with anyone else other than me. I only wish him to understand what I did and why I did. I know there was no scope of communication like before when time comes but I didn’t want it to stay awkward for the rest of the journey of life.

It is so amazing to see a person grow so indifferent on you. He should to an extent but also know we never went through all this to make me feel like a dump one fine day.

I think I ask for a lot when I ask for the person to be a little more understanding.

I said it all to him, only to be unanswered. That’s what leaves me unsettled.

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